The Kicking Post - The Treatment of an Atheist by Theists During Grieving - Overly Sensitive or Not?

This is something that I have not spoken about; however it has bothered me for the past 8 months now.  I feel guilty for feeling this way; however I am upset at the way I perceived theists treated me in this situation.

A quick background: I grew up in a very open minded home that was, for the most part, we were culturally Catholic.  I went to Catholic school for 12 years, but always looked at all religions as absurd.  My earliest recollection of this was me daring “God” to come before me and strike me down at around the age of 4.  “God” never showed, I lived on and left that belief behind me.

Fast forward:  I moved into a South Suburb of Chicago in Aug. of 2006, with my wife and 4 children.  We moved into a new subdivision and met a host of new families, which a majority of them, I can still call close friends.  We all hang out at the end of each other’s driveways, while our children played and genuinely get along.  Birthday parties, graduations, football games, baseball games, holiday crawls, you name it, we all participate and are all pretty close.  Even with the neighbors that are not as social, there is still the sense of watching out for each other and be available to help, if needed.

Being a very out spoken Atheist and my wife being a quite Agnostic, we were concerned with how our new neighbors and friends would handle it; however I quickly found out that no one was really bothered by it.  Do not get me wrong, when the alcohol was flowing, while hanging out on each others patio, debates occurred, but we never got heated over it.  It always ended without hurt feelings and another round of drinks.

A few houses down from us, lives one of my daughter’s best friend, which is the older sibling to her brother.  The parents of my daughter’s friend are great people and great friends.  Their house always seemed to be the central point of the neighborhood for socializing, help and inclusion.  They always hosted parties (for the kids and parents), organized activities (Bunco night, holiday crawls, summer fun for the kids during the days, cooked enormous amounts of food for everyone, etc.) and were always looking for an opportunity to bring people together.  The father, which works in telecommunications, always had a beer to give and an ear to lend for talking, as well as handing you a plate full of something that he just cooked up.  The mother worked for a dental office and always wanted to organize the fun for the kids in the neighborhood, so none of the kids ever felt left out, as well as being a Brownie Leader (Not sure what the official name of that is) for her daughter’s troop and all around social organizer.

With my wife going back to school, my daughter’s friend's parents offered to put our daughter on the school bus for us, because my wife’s school schedule had her leaving prior to the bus arrival.  For 4-5 months, we sent our daughter over to their house prior to us leaving for work or school.  This family was a dream come true for my wife and I.  The generosity of this family was incredible and we were/are so thankful.

For Christmas (2011), we sent them huge prepare fruit arrangement to show our appreciation.  After receiving it, they said that we shouldn’t have done that and it was their pleasure to help us obtain the goal of my wife finishing school.

End of January (2012), the mother of my daughter’s friend took her, her daughter and another really close friend to the mall and picked out the dresses for the February 19^th Daddy Daughter Dance.

On the morning of February 12, 2012, I was at an IKWF wrestling tournament coaching a kids wrestling program that 2 of my kids wrestle for, when I got a text from my wife saying, “Ambulance at (My neighbor’s) house and (another neighbor) said (my daughter’s friend’s mother) did not wake up”.

For the next few hours there was a lot of confusion and looking for information.  Around 1:00PM, we finally got the definite news.  She passed away.  Her 8 year old son went to wake her up in the morning and found her unresponsive.  He ran into the basement, where the father fell asleep from the night prior and said, “Daddy, I can’t wake mommy up and her lips are blue.”

We left the tournament and came home to mourn with our neighbors, friends and their family.  There was a lot of crying, laughter and silence, but we all were there for this wonderful family that has given so much.  No questions asked, we all we there to support our friend and his family in their time of need.

Later that week, the wake and funeral were scheduled for our friend.  It was incredible to see how many people that this family had touched and the large number of people that came to the wake and funeral was an attribute to how wonderful this woman was.

The following weekend, a number of fathers and daughters accompanied our friend and his daughter to the Daddy Daughter Dance.  All with heavy hearts, we wanted to be there for them.

Now we are 8+ months after her passing and she is still incredibly missed.  We are still there for our friend and his 2 wonderful children.  They are doing well and slowing moving on.

Now that I have given you all the background and foundation of the story, I would like to get to the point of this post.  

I have always been very open about my religious views; however I would have never have thought that it was the time or place to open any discussions about this topic during their time of mourning. I wasn’t there to debate or discuss religion, I was there to mourn and give support to my friends.  

I remember trying to put myself in the father’s shoes, breaking down and just crying.  My wife is my best friend and with my children, they are my “everything”.  

My neighbor had a very similar relationship with his wife and the children were the center of their universe.  His wife lived to make their life’s experience great and she was great at it.    

For the next week, after the passing of our friend, we hung out and just tried to support our friends in any way we could.  I began to notice individuals proselytizing to me and making some off handed comments about my non belief.  This began to bother and upset me.  I began to feel like a kicking post to a number of the mourners.  Not wanting to engage in any of the discussions or debates in regard to religion, god or an afterlife, I found myself just taking it or acting like I did not hear things.  If I responded in any way, it would have looked like I was being insensitive and unsupportive.  It was like some of this people were trying to antagonize me into a discussion.  How could these individuals not understand that engaging in this type of conversation was in poor taste and considered rude?  What were they trying to accomplish?  How could these theists that espouse kindness and love, use their religion as a tool to be so hurtful?  I did not understand and was emotionally tired.  

During the wake, I tried to stay out of the way and not get into too many discussions.  In the previous week, it seemed like a number of the discussion that I took part in, started off pleasant and gravitate to my non belief, so I wanted to keep a low profile.  I was doing pretty well with my plan until an individual wanted to have an impromptu debate in the parking lot about how I could not believe in the afterlife.  I cautiously discussed the topic and, of course, with every word that came out of my mouth, it felt like I was being an jerk.  I felt like a Westboro Baptist Church protestors at a funeral.  I just wanted to go home.

The following day was the funeral, which was the pinnacle of the week long emotional buildup for all.  We were all tired, sad and emotionally unsettled with the sudden passing of our friend, as well as wondering what the future would bring to this family.

At the church, my wife, my daughter and I sat with everyone else and respectfully observed the service.  Every few moments, there were individuals turning and look at us for a few seconds.  Not in a scornful way, just a short look at us.  I almost felt like an exhibit at the zoo and every time the priest mentioned something religious (At a funeral, in a church, it happens a lot) someone else turned to stare at us.  I felt selfish to want to get out of there and go home.  It wasn’t about me; it was about the celebration of this person’s life and supporting the ones felt behind.

A month later, there was a party to celebration of the son’s 1^st Communion, which we were invited to.  We were out the majority of the day; however I stopped by later in the evening to have a beer, drop off a card, and wish his son a Happy 1^st Communion.  It was neither the place nor the time to say anything about my religious thoughts.  This was their celebration of something that was important to them, which was good enough for me.  I was honored to be invited to their celebration.  

The night was getting late, the family looked emotionally spent and it was just about time to wrap things up.  The point when I decided to leave, I gave the father the card and told him that I wanted to wish his son a Happy 1^st Communion and he responded to me in an off handed way.  I do not recall exactly what he said, but it ended with “… it’s not like you really care about our beliefs.” or something like that.  They had an incredibly emotional number of weeks; however it is not an excuse to be hurtful.  I thanked him for inviting us and went home.  I did not even tell me wife about this one.     
  
I understand the every time a person looks back on a memory; the mind sensationalizes the memory a little towards our own bias.  Also, when a person records a memory into text, we naturally fill in any gaps to ensure that there is fluidity of the message; however I still feel as if some individuals used the situation and their religion to make me their kicking post during this grieving period.  I felt like some of them were daring me to argue with them and tried to push me to see how far I would take it.  Though everyone was in a highly emotional state during this time, I do not think that there is an excuse for treating another like this.  I am not sure if I was being overly sensitive to the situation, because my own heightened emotional state or not.  

Today, I still consider this family very close friends and I would still do anything for them.  Since the night of the Communion party, I have not heard one comment about me being an Atheist.  

I have chalked this up to the long period of sadness and grieving that created the perfect storm, which ended up running right over me.  These people are wonderful people and I do not think that they meant to harm me with what they said.  They were just hurting and I was a convenient target, right?

Since, I have often wondered if others have been in this situation and/or experienced these types of feelings.  If you have, if you agree or you think I was being overly sensitive, I would like to hear from you.

-Joe Heathen